Updated: Oct 5
When it all falls apart, I have the gift of creating all over again...
It's Thursday and I am in it. This week I am deep in the woods of sorrow that seeps from old wounds & new memories. I am here though to talk about it and show you that on the other side of mental health issues there is healing and there is profound ground towards realization within the body, spirit & mind- when we are able /decide to seek help. Using tools that are tailored to me individually, I am better able to show up even in the shadow.
Every day is a choice, whether it be struggle or joy or somewhere on the scale in between.
I was diagnosed with anxiety at age 4. Four years old. While others were refining their motor skills, learning their phone numbers, and starting to have conversations- I was battling conversations + existential worry and grief within my little brain and body.
This anxiety grew and almost consumed me whole as the years ticked by.
It then morphed into what I like to call the familiar blob of depression.
The depression began to grow like a murky fog- rising lower and higher as I aged. Nostalgic depression began to bind with my hormones, which linked within my physical body.
Who am I?
Through countless years of treatments and therapy and attempting to figure out how to manage these parts of me- my spirit became tired. I was yearning yet unclear. I was disassociated out of survival.
I was operating from a space of burnout & overstimulation by my teenage years- but I wouldn't have known it! I was ON and how could i turn the switch off?
That's it, though - I had to turn down the switch over time.
It was not until I danced w/ parental loss and grief that I began to realize how important the remainder of my living life was & how I wished to meet my true self beyond these veils of mental heartache.
I am still here today riding the waves with these two- but I am here to share that every day-I heal. Every meal. Every wake. Every tear. Every song. Every sleep. I heal.
My spiritual health assisted my mental, physical & emotional cell bodies and began to repair the disconnect between them. Co-regulate + co-create from the inside out. No quickies here.
Through Holistic Healing & Modalities, Healthy Social Habits, Good Meals & Stillness +++ I am able to see & feel and be my better self. Still in it- from the other side. Where I dance time to time with my past self- letting her know I can hold space or lead the way now for the 2 of us.
I am here grieving & also loving. Trying to experience every emotion. So that I may move on with completion rather than worry. I am setting this down for now. But I wanted to share a bit of my personal path and to let you know the door to the scales is open-maybe to just listen, to breathe, to connect.
Thank you for holding me in this vulnerable share.
I became the balm my heart needed.